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Saturday, October 6, 2012
change


Sometimes I feel like this, like I just want to collapse in the middle of the road and cover my face and act as if no one is looking at me. But i'm containing it all, containing all my sadness all my insecurities inside so it doesn't show. I'm just struggling to find out who I am and how i fit in. On my bad days, I feel like a total loser, like I have no friends cos I'm a loser and obviously, no one wants to be friends with a loser. But on my good days, I will smile and talk a lot but those days haven't occurred in a long time.

Every weekday morning, I step into the school gate, with a prayer that today's gonna be fine, but there'll always be something that pulls me back down again. Its been going on since term 3, i guess. First, my ct results were terrible. Next, i was so freaking busy and i really doubted whether i can do it all. And now, my promos went terribly. So i have no idea what's gonna happen next year.

But I guess, I've got to say that there were times I felt happy, like during teachers day celebration that I helped to organise, and that day I found out I was vice of malay dance and during hari raya celebrations. I know I have been really blessed and I really think i should not take them all for granted.

I will work on this. I promise that when I am experiencing my downs, I'm gonna suck it up and remember how blessed I am and that things could have been worse. And I'll try to not stop smiling and talking even if I feel oppressed by whoever. I'm gonna laugh and dance and sing and wave at everyone I know. I'm gonna change. Insyallah.