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Haziqah
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Monday, October 29, 2012
head up  staystrong  DUCC/D So overall results were out. I got DUCC/D (in order of PCMG/GP) Yeah, i deproved. And a U for chem is just freaking demoralising. But you know what, this is going to be the last time I'm only gonna see Us and Ds and Cs on my results slip. I can only go up from here, its the only way. And there's one thing you have to know about me. I don't cry over results. I don't even sulk. I just stone. Maybe whine a little. Even if its really bad. I will just continue doing my own shit. I don't know if that's good or bad. But i'm gonna take it as a good thing, it shows that i'm strong and results are not worth crying over. But I'll cry if my mum makes me quit malay dance. I know mld takes a lot of time and my results are shit and I'm a stubborn girl but please don't make me quit something i love so much. I don't think I can go to school without anything to look forward to anymore. Yeah, that's how much i love this family. Saturday, October 27, 2012
hari raya aidiladha Hari raya aidiladha yesterday turned out better than expected. I had a good time. I felt prettyy, cos I could fit into my pri 6 baju kurung! Super glam. Hahah, okay yeahh, that's all.
I lit up. Practically glowed, i think. Hahah, but who cares, I'm happy. :D
Thursday, October 25, 2012
butterflies All I feel are butterflies in my stomach. Flying around like crazy bats. Making me constantly clutching on to my stomach. But no, they don't go away. This unexplained nervousness is killing me inside. I try to find an answer, ANY answer to why i'm feeling this way, but its all in vain. This is the second time I've been feeling this way this year. The last time was terrible, it lasted for months. I don't want it to repeat. Please. Hari Raya Haji today. I don't know, I just lost all my excitement. I feel ugly, inside and out. Its going to be a long day, i know it. Sighs. And next monday is marks checking day. I'm dreading it. What if I really am one of those who have to repeat. i would have disappointed everyone. My parents. My siblings. My CCA. My teachers. My friends. I don't think i can take it. All these what ifs. I just want to be promoted. I'll be happy, i promise. I won't complain. I won't compare. Please. I guess I'm the only one to blame. This is probably one of the reasons for the crazy butterflies in my stomach. I told myself don't get attached, but in my mind I play it all back. Its just not fair. I literally have to say "STOP IT" to myself for it to stop. And if i'm not careful, it would start all over again in just a matter of minutes. I can never win, can I ? Monday, October 22, 2012
dormant  Sunday, October 21, 2012
lights on Helloo Okay emm, yeah i think i look reallly cute in the daiso devil ears :D Hahah. Okay moving on, life's been rather okay. I still haven't started on I&R. Please don't kill me. Anyways, was a bit flustered over CIP and YLTC, but now my head and heart are much more relaxed now. But there's still a few stuff to do. Poop to do:
Yeah, you get the picture.
So about the other thing, I've been worrying myself sick and I've realised its so not worth it. And here's a wonderful quote that I'm gonna try to remember to keep myself happy:
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light." Albus Dumbledore
Friday, October 19, 2012
wallflower 
ME.
exposed. Its like i've been exposed. How did that girl know? What made her come to that conclusion? I don't think any of my friends told her. Its terrifying really, how she guessed it right. Then I started to question, what if there are others who guessed it right too? What if it was too obvious until the whole level knew? What if I had slipped up and unknowingly displayed it up front to everyone? Now, I'm scared that I've made a fool out of myself in front of the whole level. What if he knows? And now this thing is bugging me. I told myself I was DONE, but i guess not yet. I need to get a distraction to get this out of my head. :( Friday, October 12, 2012
stupid little brain I must be crazy. In my head, I keep thinking of terrible things. Like seriously terrible. Making me a terrible muslim. Okay, i mean not like murder or rape or whatever. But like self-degrading things that a muslimah should never do i guess. I don't even wanna say it here 'cos its too embarrassing. And its all because my self esteem is freaking low, i think. Sighs, i think i think too much. Over-thinking about the way i look, the way I talk, the way I smell. Omg. Sometimes, i just love myself and I would be like super confident and whatnots. But some days, I would feel like an ugly freak and I would hate myself and would just keep to my own business. And I hate those days. And I don't want today to be one of those days 'cos I don't wanna be all moody for megan's bbq. Going running today was really good. I ran for like 4km, walked for 1km. Really proud of myself for doing that and I love myself today so far. I just need to decide on something to wear that I really feel comfortable and pretty in a tudung with and won't do anything stupid that would bring Allah's wrath upon me. But what if i do? So many temptations! asjhqdgwfgefb3rnf2inidedmedfe sighs, i need to constantly remind myself that god is watching everything and he knows everything. EVERYTHING. Okay bye >< Saturday, October 6, 2012
still  silly  Oh, if you could read my mind, you'll find out how silly i am. Still liking someone who doesn't even give me a second look. Doing almost everything to make him notice me. Even tweeting purposely on twitter when i know that he's online. Purposely walking past those areas i know he'll be at. Idk wtf is wrong with me. Why can't i just forget it. Why did i even fall for him. I need to forget whatever i had for him. Its not worth it anymore. i'm gonna do everything to get you out of my mind. change  Sometimes I feel like this, like I just want to collapse in the middle of the road and cover my face and act as if no one is looking at me. But i'm containing it all, containing all my sadness all my insecurities inside so it doesn't show. I'm just struggling to find out who I am and how i fit in. On my bad days, I feel like a total loser, like I have no friends cos I'm a loser and obviously, no one wants to be friends with a loser. But on my good days, I will smile and talk a lot but those days haven't occurred in a long time. Every weekday morning, I step into the school gate, with a prayer that today's gonna be fine, but there'll always be something that pulls me back down again. Its been going on since term 3, i guess. First, my ct results were terrible. Next, i was so freaking busy and i really doubted whether i can do it all. And now, my promos went terribly. So i have no idea what's gonna happen next year. But I guess, I've got to say that there were times I felt happy, like during teachers day celebration that I helped to organise, and that day I found out I was vice of malay dance and during hari raya celebrations. I know I have been really blessed and I really think i should not take them all for granted. I will work on this. I promise that when I am experiencing my downs, I'm gonna suck it up and remember how blessed I am and that things could have been worse. And I'll try to not stop smiling and talking even if I feel oppressed by whoever. I'm gonna laugh and dance and sing and wave at everyone I know. I'm gonna change. Insyallah. |